The Struggle is Real

It really is.  For every two steps forward, I tend to take at least three steps back.

A few years ago, I really made headway in my weight reduction journey.  I went from almost 120kgs down to 104 kgs and was so happy.  I had energy again – despite still being way over my ideal weight – by 40kgs!  But the difference in my outlook was dramatic over that time.

I was heading to being under 100kgs for the first time in about 20 years and was so positive I was going to make it – and then, Murphy’s Law.  My knee finally gave out and I needed to have an arthroscope to see how bad the damage was.  Not bad enough for a replacement or even reconstruction, but bad enough that it was being riddled by arthritis – which after the exploratory seemed to expand even more.

Then my other knee gave way – having to load bear the weight of both knees all by itself – by this time the weight had started to creep on again.  Slowly at first and then, as I sank further into a depressed and painful state, I too began to expand.

My diabetes became worse.  I had been diagnosed with Type 2 after the birth of my fourth child, and despite trying to control it with diet, I had been put on medications.  One didn’t agree with me, so I ended up on Lantus injections twice daily.

With diabetic injections and medication, the weight was stubborn to shift.  It didn’t help that around this time I was confirmed as being a sufferer of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which just added to the feeling of, “Oh Great! What next?” and the “Poor Me’s” started in earnest.

Admittedly, life hadn’t been easy for the entire family during these years, not just me.  My family had had to contend with the husband/father of the house being chronically ill.  He suffered failed kidneys, a heart attack, a double transplant that brought its own problems; then contracted non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in the brain, which gave him two months to live because the doctors didn’t think they would be able to give him treatment.

They discovered a new treatment that had been trialled up in Sydney and gave him rituximab treatment over the course of a couple of months.  Success!  He was pronounced in remission by the end of that year.

But… yep – here comes Murphy again, because of the treatment and having to drop one of the meds that contributed to the non-Hodgkins, his transplanted kidney had started to failure and within a few months he was back on dialysis – this time he had to start haemo, you can only do peritoneal pre transplant for lack of room and resistance to the treatment.  So three trips a week to the local dialysis unit began.

The upshot is that the whole family was affected by hubby’s illness, not just him.

And he felt guilty!?!?!

Silly man, it’s not as if he asked for all the health problems, but he knew it was affecting us all, in different ways.

Anyway, this past week I went to the diabetic clinic for my regular 3 – 4 month check up, and a part of that is the weighing in, to see how you’re doing.  Well wasn’t that just a huge slap in the face!?!?!  I thought I’d been losing weight over the past few months, as I’d been a little more active with one thing and another, but apparently not.  Instead of going from 123 kgs down…  I’d gone up to 128.5 kgs – yes!! An increase of more than 5 kgs.  I was crushed.

I joked with the doc, and the nurses but inside I was completely and utterly broken.  I was ashamed, I was lost, I was angry.  I haven’t been this heavy in more than 15 years!!!

So…

here I am again – trying to shift this bloody weight.  It’s become so bad now that I can’t walk further than a few metres (literally) before I start breathing heavily and my knees can barely hold me up.  I’ve had physio and done hydrotherapy, but nothing has been consistent- my fault, no one else.  But the hydro didn’t ‘cut’ it for me.  I needed more than 30 minutes of light exercise in the water.

I had had a few memberships at the local gym, but the last time it ran out was because the direct debits kept going thru to the back two days after the money had gone in, and anyone who has had experience receiving disability pensions will tell you, you’re lucky if you have 5c left in your account within 24 hours of the pension going in, after all the standing bills come out.

So instead of getting their payments, the gym was collecting SFA and cancelled my membership.  There went the only exercise this decrepit fatty could do – swim.

My mum came to the rescue this week – she’s paid for 12 months membership for me, and I will repay her over the next few months – before the money is gone each week!!  The bonus was/is, that instead of just 12 months membership – because it was paid up front, I get 18 months membership – so 6 months for FREE!!!

I went and spent 2 hours in the pool area on Saturday and it felt amazing to be free to swim for as long as I wanted – before heading into the steam room and then the spa.  It was so freeing, both mentally and physically.  The water holding the weight off my knees while I’m still exercising ALL OVER – a complete body workout.  My mind was free to wander – I was having total ME time.

Money is tight until the end of this week, so hubby and child will be having normal food, but I’ll be having some shakes that I’ve had in the cupboard for about 12 months.  Breakfast and Lunch over the next four days will consist of banana or strawberry shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a normal dinner.

As of the end of the week though, I am shopping for a complete change of menu.  We’re all going on the Low Carb-High Fat menu.  It should make for an interesting time.  Hubby and child will have bread/pasta/rice/spuds as they normally do with meals, but for me – none.  I’ll be cutting my insulin back to deal with any possible lows, but veg, meat and healthy fats will be the norm for me.

I’ll probably enter any really nice meals on here with pix where possible, just to record what I’m eating – we’ll see tho.

I’m not going overboard with my target, to begin with.  My short term is 110 kgs in 3 months.  It should be attainable.

Anyway, I guess I should make this official.

Day 1 – Starting Weight – 128.2 kgs

(Yes, I lost 3oo gms somewhere since Tuesday’s appointment! If you find it, don’t return it!)